How Do I Talk About Money with My Partner?

We are not therapists. We barely know how to discuss our own feelings. We are the last people to give relationship advice, but here we go!

35% of married couples say money is the leading stressor in their relationship. We believe a huge part of this is because of a lack of communication. Some couples don’t talk about money at all, some discuss it dishonestly, and some talk about it when it’s too late.

We believe the problem started long before any of us were even born. The problem started when finances became a taboo subject. Close friends talk about relationship problems, goals, family drama, and more. We even ask friends to help us move! But it can be uncommon to ask a friend for help getting out of debt, investing advice, or which credit card to choose. Why? Everyone’s financial situation is different, but the fundamentals of personal finance are universal.

We know there can be a lot of embarrassment associated with financial problems. Frivolous spending habits, sinking debt traps, or poor financial decisions are mistakes we have all made. We only learn and move on from them when we discuss and get help. So here is what has worked for each of us as it pertains to money and relationships:

Wilson:

Jules and I talk about money all the time. When she and I met, Jules was living paycheck to paycheck. Thankfully, she recognized her spending habits early and only had a debit card to prevent credit card debt. Now, Jules tracks all her spending, maintains a credit card, and has invested in the stock market! This did not happen overnight. She made a lot of changes and worked hard to get here. The first being, she and I would talk about finances and spending early in our relationship. Within three months of dating, we were talking about money, budgeting, and future goals with investments. We approached these conversations with two important techniques:

1. We talked about our life goals first. Money is simply a tool that helps you achieve your goals. If your goal is to get money to have money, I recommend revisiting your goal. Jules and I's goal is to own our house and pay for our kids' education (high school, college, etc.). When you are aligned on the goal, the financial decisions follow. This doesn’t mean we look at every purchase as a trade off between investing and spending. We do, however, ensure our investing strategy is on target to reach our goal.

2. We talk about money early and often. We talked about our money before we were married and combined finances. We talked about each of our spending habits every month and where we could cut back on our dates. When we first started dating, I wanted to impress her every week (this is not sustainable). Now that we are married, we talk about money at least once every two weeks to ensure our spending is on track for the month and to review any expected big purchases.

Jules and I are by no means perfect in communication. We have worked really hard though to communicate deliberately. My favorite habit of ours is our monthly check in. Each month on the 14th, we have dinner to talk about anything that we are doing to annoy each other. It can be anything from “Wilson, you have 17 half burnt Yankee Candles on the table, I can’t even put my plate down” to “Wilson, stop correcting everything I do in the kitchen and freaking out when I use two spoons to mix the sauce when I could have used one.” Some things are easy fixes (i.e. lighting more Yankee Candles) and others are more difficult (i.e. learning how to stop being such a control freak). These check in are also great opportunities to talk about money. It is a deliberate time set aside each month to talk about anything that might be weird to bring up elsewhere. This took our communication to another level, especially during COVID when we couldn’t see each other very often.

Jules and I are not perfect, but that is what helped us communicate openly and honestly about money.

Mike:

Unlike Wilson and Jules, Em and I did not seriously discuss money before getting married. We were both generally frugal people, we checked the Financial Peace University block (shoutout to my Dave Ramsey people out there), and we knew we wanted to combine finances once married, but that was about the extent of it. Frankly, I was uninterested in talking about money and figured we’d figure it out along the way.

In hindsight, this was an incredibly dense move on my part. Had we not discovered over a year into marriage that, to no credit of our own, our financial goals and priorities happened to be in sync, we would’ve been in a world of hurt. Learn from our mistakes, and don’t be like us. Before getting engaged to someone, make money a deliberate part of the vetting process. You and your prospective spouse can disagree on the small stuff, but you’ll be in a rough spot if you fundamentally disagree on the major stuff.

We’ve stepped it up since then. We talk about our finances often, from monitoring our spending to evaluating our investing goals to tracking our net worth through the Empower app (highly recommended). I’m more of the money nerd (shocker), so I tend to manage the budget day-to-day but we always agree on the budget together upfront to prevent any animosity or feelings of unfairness on how we’re spending our money. Em and I don’t run every single purchase we make by each other, so long as it fits within the budget that we agreed on. If we need to adjust the budget, that’s also a decision we make together.

Bottom line: we like to treat money as our money, not my money or her money. This helps remind us that we’re on the same team working toward the same goals. Are we perfect? Heck no. Am I sometimes a hypocrite, questioning Em’s $4 coffee purchase while I’m crushing a $4 chocolate milkshake from McDonald’s? I plead the fifth. But being intentional together about making our money work toward our goals has paid dividends (no pun intended) so far.

Like we said at the beginning, we believe money shouldn't be a taboo subject. Whether you like it or not, the person you marry is the biggest financial decision you will ever make. If you are aligned on goals and habits, you will be fine. This starts with communication.

Call to Action

If you have never talked about money before, start with a simple question: “how much do you make per month?” Does that question sound awkward to you? Do you not want to ask because you think it’s rude? It may be rude to ask your neighbor, but the person you are spending the rest of your life with needs to know.

What We’re Reading/Listening To:

Podcast: Schwab Market Update. Ever look at the market one day and wonder why it skyrocketed or tanked? This under 10 minute podcast summarizes the big market movers from each day.

Debrief on Deck

Next week, Mike is going to talk about using a financial advisor. As two people who strongly believe it is not necessary for 99% of people, he is going to put bias to the side and present both sides of the argument… or at least try to.

As always, please reach out to us with any questions or comments you have. You can reply directly to this email or find us on social media (Twitter and Instagram).

Until then, stay the course.

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